Last week, I had the incredible opportunity to attend Na Lei Aloha Foundation's Bridge of Friendship gathering at the Sheraton Waikiki. The invitation-only event brought close to 200 people together with the common goal of creating a better community. For those unfamiliar with the organization, it’s the secular, community-building arm of the Shinnyo-en Buddhist Order in Hawaii, the good people who put on the annual Lantern Floating event at Magic Island. Yes, that chicken-skin, touching, make-you-cry event held in May.
I chose to attend the event primarily as a networking opportunity to meet other leaders from the community. I came away with something much more profound than I could have anticipated. My colleagues and friends warned me that it would be worth the half-day commitment. The event theme was Diversity, Harmony, Peace, and proved to be a valuable, emotional and inspiring experience for me professionally, and even more so personally, one I'll never forget.
There were many great speakers I learned from that day. However, the one who resonated with me the most was Dr. Kimo Alameda, director of the Hawaii Department of Health and a father of seven. His talk on diversity had everyone rolling with laughter, as everyone could relate to his cultural jokes centered around a Hawaii boy studying to become a psychologist in Nebraska. But the main point of his passionate talk was how empathy is the precursor to the acceptance of diversity in the world.
It was at this point that the tone in Alameda's voice got serious, the laughing stopped and everyone in the room listened intently to his words. I, too, clung to every word, father to father.
“When kids can empathize with other kids, they won't hurt them,” Alameda continued. “When you put yourself in the shoes of another person, there is better understanding for one another. And if we can teach ourselves and our children to be more empathetic, to have those tender ‘awe' moments of compassion and caring, it will ultimately lead to the acceptance of diversity.”
Pretty powerful words and perspective wouldn't you say? Alameda continued by giving examples of how he and his wife are teaching this at home. They have a rule that no racial slurs or ethnic jokes are to be told around the kids at home. He also cautioned about the use of backhanded compliments in front of the kids, using the personal example of how family members would say to him, “You pretty smart for a Portuguese,” after learning he returned to school to pursue his Ph.D.
It made me reflect on the kind of language I use at home with my children, Avery and Ensen, which I admit isn't the best at all times. It made me think about the way I phrase things and the tone in which I might say them. It also reminded me that children are a “blank canvas” coming into the world and a lot of their perceptions, understanding and tolerance (or lack of) are based on how they see their parents respond to situations.
Alameda ended with one final offering: He spoke about how his family uses the “APLUS” system at home as a guiding value system.
- A = Acceptance. Reinforce the importance for embracing each other for our similarities and differences.
- P = Praise. We are quick to point out the bad, but must also remember to praise each other when we do good.
- L = Listen. When someone asks you to listen, don’t talk. Just listen.
- U = Use Good Communication. Alameda used an example of how his wife communicates with their kids when asking them to do something. Instead of “Pick up your jacket now” or “Do this now or else …” she might say, “Hey, I notice your jacket is still on the table. Is that where it belongs?” He encouraged the crowd to use “I notice that … ” to address situations with our kids versus negative language.
- S = Taking Care of OURSELVES. Make time to recharge your own batteries, pursue a hobby, exercise, etc. Just make sure to take care of yourself along the way.
I'm taking this experience from the Na Lei Aloha Foundation's Bridge of Friendship and have already put it to good use in our household. I hope you found inspiration as well.
Nathan Kam is a Honolulu public-relations executive, husband and a proud daddy of two incredible kids, Ensen (5) and Avery (2), who enjoys cooking, gardening, traveling, blogging and golfing. You can reach him via email, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn or via his personal Kam Family Blog.
